You better run baby run
by Kelpie the Thundergod
Summary: You better run baby run (from the noise of the street and the loaded gun) "Once you realize what exactly you're in the process of delivering to Knives, what kind of weapon it is – and Vash is so, so painfully naïve, the embodiment of what you'd call a good man if you had ever met one – once you realize that, you know you're screwed."
1. Oh and I will twist your words around

**You better run baby run (from the noise of the street and the loaded gun)**

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. Inspiration for the title and the lyrics in the first, second and last part are from "Run Baby Run" by Garbage.

A/N: Beta read by Celesma. I apologize again for making you suffer through so much angst :(

All remaining mistakes are my own

**1. Oh and I will twist your words around  
**

**(**"And what will you do about... the handling of 'Chapel,' Sir?")**  
****  
**_Every time you give yourself away__  
__It comes back to haunt you_

You're having second thoughts, of course.

Once you realize what exactly you're in the process of delivering to Knives, what kind of weapon it is, _last chance for humanity, and you're handing it over without a fight, on a silver platter_ – and Vash is so, so painfully naïve, the embodiment of what you'd call a good man if you had ever met one – once you realize this, you know you're screwed.

You make plans. 

Most of them are actually quite detailed, thought through. And each and every one of them you throw to the wind again, in the end. (You think of all the different ways you could accomplish it: code words, metaphors, invented stories, false memories, pretend nightmares. Lies. Making Vash want to hurt you, beat it out of you...) 

It's not the painful death (you've known your future for a long time by now, thanks so much), or lack of imagination, that makes you give up on every one of these ideas in the end. 

For one thing, there's obviously quite much at stake. You know what will become of the children if you don't obey (your nightmares are quite detailed on that too, real handy). 

No, the reason you feel trapped in your own head, a fly caught in an ugly spider's web, is –

"_We __aren__'t__getting second thoughts, __now, __are we?"_

You just snort at this, turning your head to the side in disgust (not in fear, not fear, no, _never fear_). You're still wearing your sunglasses, quite surprised actually that the slimy viper in front of you hasn't ordered you to shed those yet. Then again, it's not like he needs to. He sees the inside of your head – your damned _heart_ – anyway. 

Legato of course knows that you know that, the bastard, but he still likes to remind you of who is in charge here, even if it's frickin' pointless at this point.

"Take those off."

Here you go.

(There's no hiding, anyway)

"_'There's no hiding, anyway.' Glad we understand each other. So, I ask again. You're not getting second thoughts, are you? I have seen your heart, each and every one of your... precious memories. Twisted, broken, cut in shape... and yet. Obedient? I wonder..."_

You're still keeping your head turned away. You're attempting to look bored, but in fact you're frozen in place, muscles tense. You're coiled tight for a fight, but you know you have to endure this, have to let it happen. 

It fucking hurts, but what the hell. This is life, kind of. It hurts.

"_Let me make this nice and simple."_

Nice, your ass.

"_You won't get in his way. I will not allow that kind of disrespect."_

And you can't help the wave of fear that floods you then, the cold creeping pain in your head that makes you want to retch, but you stand still, because you know this, have actually been tracking a pattern in this "conversation," these summons.

Legato doesn't trust you, would like nothing more than to erase your existence (you guess that's just about par for the course, not to mention that it's a mutual feeling). The sick maggot sees you as a pawn that messes with the game he's playing with Vash. Moreover, Legato suspects you might go behind their back. But – and that's a big "but" in your book – he can't hear your _every _thought, doesn't have the time and the energy to stay tuned to your mind 24/7. 

He may have seen your heart, but you have _hidden_ things, many things, in deep, dark holes that you're maintaining iron control over, trapping heaps of thoughts and emotions in there.

Legato suspects there's something he can't see behind, but he doesn't understand it, isn't even sure it really exists.

He's fishing for information, hoping for a reaction. And you're guessing (hoping) that Legato is underestimating you.

That's one uplifting thought for once (you don't have that many of those, like, maybe three, on a good day), but when it comes down to it, it doesn't really do you a fuck lot of good.

Every thought you don't keep hidden, don't suppress, the son of a bitch might hear. Every single damn thing you voice out loud, he hears for sure.

It goes something like this –

"You saw what I truly... _am_," Vash says. "And you're still here."

"And?"

"Nothing. Just got me wonderin'."

"..."

"So?"

And you think, sometimes you scare me, Tongari. I have raised my gun against you, but I could never – and I'm not allowed to leave you, anyway. You don't deserve this. You're nothing like your brother. And when that girl flinched away from you, you looked so – I never want you to look like that again.

"Wolfwood?"

A sudden, piercing pain through your head and then –

"_Keep your false tongue in check, priest. I have better things to do than getting your head in order."_

Gritting your teeth, because you hate this, hate hate hate it.

"Shut up, sasquatch," is what you say to Vash. "Heat's givin' me enough of a headache without you blathering away on bullshit."

Vash doesn't bring it up again.

"_Oh, how proud you feel, right?"_

Or like this –

"You know, I almost couldn't sleep at all because of you," Vash says, frowing. "You're always so restless."

"Bed's a bitch."

"No, it's... I think you had a nightmare."

Oh fuck.

"Hn. Happens."

"Wolfwood... if there is something... something you need my help with – "

You pretend to be busy closing the buttons on your shirt (it's white; sometimes that terrifies you), while inside you panic, because don't ask this, please don't _offer_ this, it'll all go to hell if you know –

"_Yes, yes, why don't you ask him for this, priest? Have him kill someone. Have him kill to s__ave that scum you seem to care about. Have him kill and you've fulfilled my wish. Don't you want that? Maybe I'll have mercy on you next time if you do this for me. Come on. Do it. This is what you want. He will kill and you want that, you do, you can lie __all you want, but not to _me_."_

Your guts feel like they're filled with acid, but you _don't_ listen, you _don't_ hear his malicious laughter in your head –

_Shut the fuck up you viper. I know what I'm –_

" – _doing? Yes? Ah, this is precious. If you don't car__e either way, let me remind you of what I said – _you won't get in his way_. This is not a question of knowing what you're doing. There is no way either of you will _run_ from what is to come. Oh, I will twist your words around, priest!"_

_No. No, don't, get out of my –_

Legato has you turn around and glare at Vash, so hard he almost flinches, venom in your voice as you snarl, "Quit bugging me about stupid shit, Vash. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes I see all the damn people we couldn't save because of your stupid _I can't be arsed to make my hands dirty to save jack squat_ way of living. Think about that for once."

And you are at least spared the way Vash's eyes widen in shock, the vulnerability, the sadness, all the things you – but you don't get more than a quick glance, because Legato has you leave the room and slam the door shut behind you.

As soon as the noise of the door hitting the wooden frame hits your ears, you're suddenly in control again.

Not like it matters.

You can't turn around and go back inside. It would look suspicious.

(Clenching your fists, _this damned bastard, I'm so sorry Vash...)_

The only good thing is – now, Vash won't ask again. He'll leave you be.

_Oh, and I will twist your words around..._

You know Legato is gone, but his voice is locked inside your head and you're hit with a sudden wave of nausea, so strong all you can do is stumble down the stairs, outside, and puke your guts out in a dirty alley.

After some minutes of dry heaving, you head back. The suns will be out soon and you can already tell this day is going to be a bitch. Better get started.

You know your orders, after all.

After lighting a cigarette (to disguise the smell, but also just 'cause – and, because there'll be no breakfast; not for you, anyway), you push your shades over your eyes, squinting at the empty sky.

You can't help thinking – even though you wouldn't have spilled anything in the end, you really should have made Vash beat you up. Just for kicks. It's selfish but – you'd feel better now.

God damn it. What are you going to say to Vash when you get back?

And while you walk on, drag yourself back, you don't listen, you _don't_, because you're all alone in your head. All alone.

_("Ah, the things that you could say...")_


	2. And how much you want to live

**2. And how much you want to live**

A/N: Overall disclaimer in the first part

("Wolfwood... I'll be all right. You're the one who had better be careful.")

_Life can be so cruel__  
__Don't it astound you?__  
__  
_You know that, as long as you "keep it up" and stay in line, Knives doesn't care about you. You're nothing but a minor pest to him.

It's an exploitable loophole – or appears to be one, that is. 

Knives might not care about details, but his pet viper does. Right now, he might even represent the greater threat to you since he trusts you even less than Knives does.

You're going to have to kill them both, but you _can't_.

You tried once to take out Knives (oh how much you wish you'd succeeded ) and the overwhelming feeling of oppression, the fear, still haunts you.

As well as the shame of the other thing that held back your hand.

You had thought yourself so steadfast in your decision to do anything to keep the kids safe – but apparently your heart is far more traitorous than you'd believed.

You weren't prepared to die back then.

Are you now? You like to think so. If you go against Knives, there is no question that you will die. And still –

"You know of course why I specifically send _you_ to stay by him and protect him, I take it?"

Legato has just finished giving Knives his report while you've been standing by the sidelines, attempting to look both unimpressed and obedient. Not easy, but at the very least it gives you something to focus on, something to strengthen your control over yourself.

Knives suddenly addresses you, giving you a bored look.

Your hackles rise immediately.

Knives stares at you some more, then goes and delivers the answer to his question himself. Like maybe he thinks you too dumb to speak or to think altogether. Which is not that unlikely, probably.

"Of all the knives I have collected, you are the most human one. You're someone who's used to following orders. That's how you live. You'd never selflessly put your life on the line for someone else. And I am your best promise for survival, these days."

He looks at you for one more moment (though he never looks you in the eyes, just in your general direction, as if, to him, you're much more of an object than a living being) and adds:

"Besides, you're the only one fit to 'babysit' my 'little brother.' The others are too volatile."

He looks away then, as if your existence isn't so much as dust on his radar, and shortly after, you're dismissed.

It'll probably do you no good, but you puzzle over this little "exchange," if it can even be called that, for days afterwards.

It could have been a threat – or just coldhearted aloofness.

But whatever is was – the cruelty of it all almost makes you laugh bitterly.

For it is true.

You've killed so many on orders, you've lost count. You can't afford to die, so you don't bet your life.

And to protect the people that you wish to survive, you'd do whatever it takes.

_So when nothing seems too certain or safe  
Let it burn through you  
You can keep it pure on the inside  
And you know what you believe to be right_

"I'm not 'playing' the devil, Tongari. It's just who I am. It ain't pretty, but if I get to stop people from killing others, then that's how it's gonna be."

(I could never be like you. I don't know how)

Surprisingly, Vash just smiles softly, if slightly ruefully, at that.

"You know, sometimes I don't know what to do with you. And then, other times, I think we're more similar than you believe."

"Like hell, Tongari."

But Vash isn't fazed by your gruff dismissal.

"We both hold unto what we believe is right. However much we struggle because of it and however much pain it brings us."

"..."

"What? Why are you frowning? That was a compliment you... you cow!"

"Vash, seriously, have you eaten something funny for breakfast again?"

"What?! Why are you being so mean?" He scowls at you and whines, and you can see the fake expression for what it is, but you don't call him on it. Better to let this one lie.

There's no such luck, of course, not with Vash.

"But Wolfwood," he adds quietly after the both of you have walked on in silence for some minutes, "I wouldn't stay with you if I truly thought you were a bad man. You do know that, right?"

Yeah, right.

Bitterness and anger make you clench your jaw and bite down hard on your cigarette. You walk on as if nothing happened, while inside, you build your walls back up again, to keep your hate, your desperation in check.

Oh, how much you'd like to tell Vash to run from you.

You take a deep breath and mutter darkly, "You know, you have the worst judgment, Tongari."

Vash explodes in another whiny fit at that, and to you, it sounds as fake as ever, but you don't look at him to check. Instead you tune him out, for it would do no good to do otherwise. 

Whatever you could say to him would be just as fake, after all.

_So you're not gonna crack  
No you're never gonna crack_


	3. What you see is what you get

**3. What you see is what you get**

Disclaimer: Lyrics and title are from "Everywhere I Go" by Pony Pony Run Run.

_Everytime you see me_

You curse yourself – it's much too late of course, but _damn_, you should have known.

Should have never let it come to this.

_This_ – gun fire almost making even your enhanced hearing useless, dust and pain in your lungs, blood and sand grating on your skin. Trapped between two rival gangs having a stand-off (neither of whom Vash'd allow you to kill, the idiot), the two of you trying to get the civilians out.

The odds were against you from the start.

You're used to that, but fighting with Vash around is dangerous. Don't kill, don't _get killed_. Protect the stupid bastard.

And you can't use your vials here, which means –

yeah. Pain.

(You've been hit several times already. Your heart beats like a war machine, your body fighting to heal itself, breath like a razor, but the dark knowledge is there, that you won't get to die)

(You're with your back against a crumbling wall, sitting on the ground with legs outstretched, gravel scrunching against the Punisher – no roof above, no way to escape except that one passage Vash is escorting the trapped people through, that one passage the both of you have to defend. If it weren't for who you are, your arm would already be past numb from all the cover fire you have to lay down. Despite all this, it's far from sure that all of them will make it – but you trust Vash to stay with them, get them out and keep them safe)

You brace yourself, gritting your blood-stained teeth for the next round, the next bullets that'll burn icy holes in your flesh – you'll look like the devil himself, but that's all right, that's what you want them to see, because that is exactly what they'll get, the bastards –

you smile, bloody, shaking –

come, get me –

and it's then that it happens, and you're so dumbstruck, you can only stare in shock as Vash throws himself in front of you.

It makes no sense and you never, never would have expected this.

Panic grips you even as Vash shields you with his body and then turns, laying down cover fire, so close to you still that his back almost touches your chest. He's dirty, sweaty, out of breath, with fear in his eyes.

Icy dread surges through you at that; why is he here, why isn't he with _them_ – this shouldn't have happened. You have to stop this.

And you should have known this might happen. Because –

_Everywhere I go, you'll be near_

One day – you'd been walking down that road in another dusty, rotten town, when you'd seen that asshole beat his kid up in a dark alley.

Your gun had been out before you could even fully process what you were seeing. But it had flashed through your mind then – _not the kid, not in__ front of the kids, they _can't_ know, you will never be with them again._

You'd been standing there, frozen, adrenaline and panic pumping poison through your veins.

And then he'd been there. Beside you. Just like that.

As if he'd materialized from thin air.

Vash had laid a hand on your shoulder and –

"I'll handle this, don't worry."

(Then, he'd full-body slammed the bastard and sent them both flying to the ground. The sight of Vash digging himself out of the trash – extremely clumsily – had almost made the kid laugh. He'd taken the Humanoid Typhoon's hand without any fear)

Vash didn't say anything about it, but he'd smiled at you. Softly, knowingly.

You felt sick for days.

He might have looked at you with concern, but you didn't care; hiding your eyes behind your shades and not taking them off again for weeks.

_Several nights_

_Before_

_I was deeply lost_

_Perfect time_

_To meet you_

_I will never (will) never forget_

"Hey, Wolfwood?" 

"Hm." 

"You know, I was wondering – " 

"Great." 

"Why do you always wear black?" 

"You always wear red." 

"That's beside the point. Dark colors heat up the fastest, didn't you know?" 

"Yeah, thank you Vash."

"So why – "

"'s the only color that ain't get any darker. Bottom of the abyss, Tongari. No illusions. What you see's what you get. Satisfied?" 

"Uh..." 

"Great. Now shut up."

_Hear me_

_What you see is what you get_

("If you could see yourself through my eyes now... you'd see a man forcing himself to play the devil while his own heart cries out")

_But at this time I (can) only expect_

The both of you argue all the time and it makes you wonder why Vash sticks with you, lets you follow him around when the ways the both of you live differ so much, when it angers Vash so much what you're doing – smoking yourself "to death," sleeping too little, killing too much.

"Well, that's not all you are," Vash says, flippantly, and you cover up your shock and confusion by ignoring him for hours.

This is not what you expected.

It's too close to something you might be yearning for.

_Maybe tomorrow, you'll still be there_

Now –

You almost let yourself feel safe behind Vash's back.

Almost let yourself feel protected.

Feel _wanted_, because Vash came back for you.

_But on my way_

_I went too far_

You have to stop this. There is too much at stake.

You have to stop Vash from ever doing this again, _now_.

_This game we play_

_Is what we are_

You raise the Punisher until it's on level with Vash's head, pointing towards where he's looking, where the bastards are hiding.

And you start to shoot.

_Hear me_

_What you see is what you get_

You come to your senses much later – the crumbling wall behind you is drenched in blood; you must have blacked out while your body pushed its way back to the land of the living.

You're alone.

You grin in satisfaction – doing that hurts, but whatever. That was the point, after all.

_This game we play_

_Is what we are_

Vash will come looking for you soon – however furious he is with you, he won't abandon you without knowing whether you're alive. He'll yell and maybe he'll hit you again, and you'll yell back and maybe let him go brood for a few days alone, but then you'll have to catch up with him again. Guiding him, protecting him.

(You stare upwards at the darkening sky, light a cigarette, push the smoke out through the blood in your mouth)

You're alone now, so that means Vash has learned his lesson – you have pushed him back and he won't do something like this again.

When the time comes, he'll go and do what he's supposed to and not come back for you.

_(I know) you understood what I said_


	4. (Don't) reach for me baby

**4. (Don't) reach for me baby**

Disclaimer: Lyrics are from Pony Pony Run Run – "Notorious Lady." 

A/N: I blame this one entirely on the music.

_Why don't you kill me  
Kiss me and I'll be fine  
Kiss me and I'll be fine_

A dream of dying wakes you from an uneasy sleep.

Your heart hammers away and you're out of breath, shaking.

(But it's not the first time, and it's not the dying in itself that has you in that kind of panic, of fear)

Vash is hovering near you, concerned, a hand on your shoulder that seems too heavy to you, too warm and too close.

(He's saying your name, "Nick," but you don't answer)

It's not the dying you're afraid of but the dying _alone_, the eternal darkness and the cold pushing in, and then you'll be alone and damned forever.

"Nick, please."

(Oh please, _kill me_, you don't know, you don't know me)

You're weak and angry, so angry with yourself, because you're _afraid_ and because there's that part of you that wants to be held, clutched tightly, that wants –

(_Kiss me, Vash, _don't let me think – _)_

You sit bolt upright and shrug Vash off, roughly, ignore everything he says, brush his hands off, snatch your clothes and your gun and leave. Get out of the room, out of the hotel and search for some booze and for some thugs to beat up.

(Your strength is that you don't run and your weakness that you always try too hard to do so)


	5. Run behind the setting sun

**5. Run behind the setting sun**

A/N: Overall disclaimer in the first part

_Find out who you are before you regret it  
Cause life is so short there's no time to waste it_

So run my baby run my baby run  
Run from the noise of the street and the loaded gun  
Too late for solutions to solve in the setting sun  
So run my baby run my baby run

It's almost ironic that, in the end, you're the one to leave Vash and sneak away during the night.

You've done that before of course, but this time, you won't be coming back.

Because you'll be dead.

There's just some things you gotta take care of first.

You're glad, though. From what you've seen, Vash seems to be prepared to fight, to oppose his brother. He's on the right path.

He won't be needing you as his "guide" anymore.

And you have asked Vash to help you, to not waste time stopping his brother.

Vash is a stupid, naïve idiot, but he'll understand this. He will concentrate on the right thing.

What you'll be doing though... it's not something he could help you with. 

It'll be all about violence. About revenge and about swallowing up whatever dark abyss will be coming for you.

You're aware of where you'll be going after this. And you'd never want to drag Vash down there with you.

No. Everything is like it's supposed to be.

You still know who you are.

(Farewell... Tongari)

Turning from the light and the streets, gun loaded at your back, you walk away and vanish.


End file.
